2nd July'06

hey world,
today started off lyk some other ordinary day.
just tt i was a lil more prepared for service.
cause the day before Soon Li alr told me wat was coming up.
i had no expectations in my heart.

i was struggling within during worship.
for concentration.
i placed my phone away frm me on purpose during worship.
though i havent contacted angeline n hwee min those ppl. they werent there for service yet.
i was feeling so guilty.
but at the same time, i rrly wanted to concentrate so much on My God only.
its been so long since i last do it.
i felt my God telling me to let go, and jus pay attention to my own Spiritual life for once.
all these while i've been bothering abt other ppl's business.
but wat abt mine?
so i listened and obeyed.
i drew nth down at all.
well, i thought in my heart, " forget it. maybe its one of those sessions where i wont expereince God again. maybe nxt wk wld be better. maybe."

smth inside just refused to let things rest.
i was hoping that there wld be an altar call meant for me.
i dunno. but to tell the truth, i've been feeling dry. and tired.
Flat frm all the giving and not receving anything in return.
why is it its so easy to understand others. but yet so difficult for others to understand you at times?
why does it seem so easy to console ppl while others are unable to console You?
i think this is so true.
maybe to a certain ppl.
i reckon, i'm one of them.
all the giving makes me Drained.
and so, i was hoping hard in my heart, for an altar tt was meant for me.
and it came.
they asked for cell grp leaders n helpers.
but i still wasnt sure in my heart.
i felt Him assuring me. really.
but i still backed out.
i Chickened out.
i dunno why.
my heart was practically shouting at my feet to Move and just respond to God.
but my mind told me, "no, they're not talking abt you. dun be stupid. you think tt little step makes a difference? Moron."
i noe it sounds so cliche.
but i just stood there rooted to where i was standing and stared at the screen, watching how God touch the lives of so many.
why, i dont know.
and tts when He came and Hit my heart Again.
everything just began to flow, smth familiar which i used to feel when He in me and i in Him.
den the tears came.
and it was hard to stop.
Joyce. i was so surprised when she placed her hand ard me and gave me a hug.
i was, i dunno. horrified. for watever reason.
i just stood dare still, not knowing how to react. to God, to the Holy spirit, to Joyce. to the atmosphere. watever.
but the tears just kept coming.
and tt warm assurance just kept flowing again.
and tt little voice tt told me to let go.
"let go, be strong. you can always cry in my presence everytime you feel weak, my child. you dun have to Appear strong all the time. i know. i know and i understand. thats why i've never let you go"
man. i wished i cld just appear in heaven at tt time.
and see Him face to face.
and He wld just place me on His lap and show me the Whole world.
and i wld look down and See for myself.
with my own eyes.
how Awesome He rrly is.
i'm still longing for that particular moment.




say it with your heart