an open palm of acceptance
or
closed-up fist of rejection?


history is history.
lets not talk about it anymore.
looks like i have to mug Duperbly Hard for coldwar.
visited the gym today.
i like jogging on treadmills and taking off some time to just stone and think while the treadmill moves and moves.
i need to learn how to swim!
if singapore this island sinks, i'll drown!

gradys and i went to j8's coffeebean today.
we got so Irritated with the assistant manager over there.
im Never going back there again.

came home and wasted my time napping and surfing the net.
i better start getting at least a little work done today.

need to find some time to start reading my lit texts over again.
read them a couple of times before but i need to experience that first-hand feeling from reading it again.
Love Lit (:


happy Halloween!

"God did not promise days without pain; laughter without sorrow; sun without rain - But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

i cant help but allow these thoughts to invade at times.
what if i dont make it to uni?
because i know that im really not prepared for it.
and the thought of having one more year to get all my basics and foundations and other study facts right is rather appealing.
so that i can sit for the papers feeling secured and not like im just trying to smoke through it.
people think that im studying superb hard.
but ive wasted so much time stoning or having my mind distracted by other things.
sometimes i wonder if working hard now will even pay off?
what if i work hard and i still cant make it in the end.
i'll be like sucha retarded fool.
who stares at my history notes for hours and hours and yet cant understand anything.

but i know and i know that Daddy wants to make me the head and not the tail,
above and not beneath.
i know that He has much faith in me.
its whether i have that same amount of faith in Him.
i really want to trust and claim on these promises, i mean, who doesnt?
but sometimes is scary.
its scary, if whatever you are hoping and trusting and believing in doesnt happen in the end
and the only thing left is disappointment.
i Hate disappointment.
it makes me feel vulnerable and wary to trust again.
but then i asked myself,
how much does God love me?
enough to die on the cross and set me free.
with nail-pierced palms and bended knees, he could have saved himself but he chose to set me free.
and even if i was the only one here on earth, Daddy says he'll still do the same.
i paused, the image came into my mind and i thought of the many times i've felt Him personally and all the failures and wrongs that i've done.

what made God take so much care to make creation glow?
He could have made it black and white and we had never known.

ive never done anything to deserve these.
ive never done anything to deserve my family, my friends, my cell, even this school and particular class that im in.
yet when i start to count my blessings, they are all bestowed unto me.
this is me, He carved my life and Coloured it.

and then i thought about the period when i was having my O's.
how He directed me into SRJC.
i was furious at Him at first for having me to land here. frustrated even.
why place me in the top class for Four consecutive years in secondary school and have me land in SR, a not really good JC?
and everyone in my sec class knew i was a christian, knew i was actively involve in church.
i was Mad at God.
for making me seem like a fool, a stupid student who cant score well and probably just managed to stay in the best class for 4 years through luck.
Mad at God because i want able to shine for Him.
after landing in SR,
my teachers werent proud of me, my peers expected it. i had no extraordinary success to prove to them how Big my God can be.
but as i started to humble my own heart,
i realised that i was here in SR for a reason.
surely, i know He does wants to make me the head and not the tail and why im in this particular jc, He has a reason for it.
i came to realise that,
i must Never despise what God can do for me.
i must Never despise the days of small beginnings again.
even God himself despise it, why was i looking down at whatever little bit i have?
Never underestimate what He can do from what i have to offer.
i know it isnt solely just my works only,
but i know ive made an impact in their lives.
W, D, D, G. such lives, even one soul alone is Very Precious indeed.
thank you Jesus, for using me.

and as we approach A's,
im Scared out of my wits.
but i know that our thoughts frame our world.
and if we cant even believe in ourselves, who will?
oh God,
im just gonna lift this exams into your hands and work with whatever time i have left.
i dont want to take any other path but yours alone.
im not gonna admit defeat,
but just surrendering my future into Your hands.
this is my life, take it.
and mould it the way only You can.

--

service on saturday was Great (:
i like my Pastor ALOT.
and am proud to be a cityharvester(:
tofu was having a great time too, i hope.
haha but i saw that she was happy (:
am really Inspired to make an impact in the lives of Many people, even if its all not recognised.
ive decided!
im gonna re-join a ministry, since my current is on hold. have to wait for one year before the next class begins.
probably gonna join a ministry which does community services,
or perhaps try JAMS church again to help the mentally disabled.
i wanna spread as much love as i can.
of course,
i need to start learning how to love more again.
it isnt easy to love,
especially the inconsiderate, the uncouth, the selfish.
i need more love!

went to the airport after that.
ATE!
and studied overnight.
thanks TOFU for accompanying me all the way.
much appreciated(:
the airport's Beautiful during graveyard hours.
nobody! (:
but all i could think of was sleep.
studying overnight isnt a good idea, unless coffee works on you.
apparently is doesnt for me and i wasted hours of sleep.
not a very wise decision!

hello guitar (:
long time no play.
studying soon!

i am craving for
DIM SUM.
):

explored new stuff at the gym with tofu ytd
we had so much fun jogging and chatting together!
played two pigs.
(:
we're going for service together this saturday!!
:D :D

my legs are having this feeling which i used to have after trainngs.
a day after hours of basketball trainings and 10 rounds.

had Great phone conversation last night (:

if i could pierce one part of my body without inflicting pain,
it would be the tongue!
but it hurts like crazy and its like punching a hole in my tongue.
Ouch.

--

ohoh!
last last night, i had a dream about angel!
she became a cell grp leader with 20 ppl and it grew two 40.
haha she was crying in my dream,
tears of joy, thanking our cell grp for walking this journey with her.
haha, i cant wait to see that day come to pass.
:D

sunflower seeds kill the throat.
eww, i Dislike this weird sensation every time i swallow something now.

been' going back to school recently.
its nice seeing familiar faces, in the lib or at the cafe.
im gonna Miss even these small sights.
studying with sheree today!
i hope we get productive.
i miss COFFEE BEAN's CARROT CAKE.
hee :D


now im your lost and found.

saw a very pretty couple on my way home today.
pretty, tall, and slim
holding the hands of a well-built, handsome guy.
sweet clean innocent smiles,
hearty laughters.

Jesus has it all planned out for me.
i Believe!

--

studied in school with gradys and nic today.
it was so noisy over at the cafe.
her voice was so loud, i tried curbing her voice away.
as well as the other thoughts that came along with her.
i sure hope that he is studying hard.
was really nice studying outside the LTs in the evening, peaceful (:
it started pouring heavily near 9pm just when the school was closing.
gradys and i got caught in the heavy rain today,
but it was so FUN.
you shld have seen the school compound in the night,
quiet, peaceful, cooling! because it was raining heavily.
we were the last to leave school today.
ah, if only we're allowed to study overnight.

visited the gym this morn before school.
boy,
so many adults. i felt like a KID.
felt lost without tofu to guide me through the machines!
):

i wanna gym tmr.
but her p.
stupid p!
and, examss.
gahh,

i LOVE you, exams! (:


black kisses.

--

just a few of the many Many MANY photos which we took on graduation day.

i want everything to end on a happy note.
im gonna miss this class a whole Lot.
everyone's unique.
those childish and irritatingg guys,
my female classmates who are just so sweet and nice.
without anyone one of them,
my JC life wouldnt be complete.
and i think we all get along well with everyone.
what with all the different class outings and parties and gatherings,
i think we are one united bunch.
thankyou so much for everything.
(:


you make it real for me.

i like BRITNEY!
she's my first Favourite singer (:
and she's back slim and sexyy.

its a pity that she's so scandalous now and everything.

im still into that pretty and 'clean' her which i first started liking since.. ..
primary Four!
hahaha.
SEE, she looks so simple and pretty in the video.
i Miss the old britney spears.
):


went to school today.
the rain ruined our jogging plans.
nic and i always dont get to jog tgt! ):
but i Love rainy days, so Nice and Cosy (:
i think im addicted to the gym,
've been visiting it at least thrice a week.
oh no. i need to use my time more wisely now.
we saw two Cute kittens in school today. patson was trying his best to attract them out.
but their mama was so Fierce.
i like kittens, Dislike cats though.
Dogs are much better animals to play with (:
studied maths maths maths
and some history on Jap occupation.
studying hist is enough to kill me, i almost died today,
but.. im still Alive.
why, ... i survived!

i Love literature.
it brings out the different side of me
and shows me things which i cldnt see.


OH.
yesterday after school,
i headed to the gym with tofu.
saw my first Eye-Candy in the gym!
he is Very CUTE.
:D
from CJC
hahahaha okay,
i know i know its just outer beauty.

alrightos,
graduation day tomorrow.

how time really flies.



the line which impacted me recently,

"what others reveal about themselves is just how they want you to see them as."

Mm, i thought about it for awhile after tofu mentioned it.
and realised that it made a whole lot of sense.

attracted to this song again!
it sounds Happy.
the chorus is so Nice (:
ah, only the CHORUS.

fate fell short this time, your smile fades in the summer.
place your hand in mine, i'll leave when i wanna.


i had a really Weird dream last night.
dreamnt that JIAYU was holding this Gong with her camera and video crew and she just walked into this public foodcourt to advertise for some church event which we're gonna have.
and i was with ___ (forgot who!)
we bumped into her and she called out to us to join her.
so Embarrassing! everyone in the foodcourt was staring at us.
suddenly it started pouring and we were outdoors, all drenched.
doesnt really make sense huhh :\


everyone's talking about their plans after the exams!
i havent really thought about them yet.
just a few here and there,

PROM
GENTING TRIP with cell (:
TAIWAN!
WORK!
SOT(:
mm
of course, to the beach! and places like wildwildwet :D

MM but im not too excited about A's coming quickly and then passing fast.
since i cant create another 2 more months,
i hope that the days will pass by Slow Everyday!
--

missed dinner with nic and cheryl last night.
hope to have one with them Really soon.

spent some time with Daddy ytd.
i just sat there crying and Him listening.
the Best thing about my Father is that i dont have to list everything down before He could understand me.

you are my Best hiding place.
because you are my Only hiding place.


gymed with liyun on monday.
gonna, meet tofu aft school today to jog!

YES, im STUDYING.

had a Great chat with Pam ytd and another from Rachel two days ago
Surprise phonecalls (:
i Miss them ALOT. cant wait to catchup, ketchupp(:


speak now, or forever hold your peace.

oh my ARM!
):

for once,
i really wanna stay in new york,
experience the new life there.
enroll into a rural university, meet new people.
lead a carefree life.
(:
just need to bring God and my bestie there along.


Coffee doesnt work on me.
needa work Superb Duperb really Hard.
AYE, lets go!



im not your lost and found.

i look up to my pastor alot(:
feel so greatful to have such a wonderful spiritual father.

had a talk about some cell stuff.
thought a whole lot.
but i know that distance makes the heart grows fonder.
this isnt the end, its just a new beginning.
im already missing and learning to love them so much more
(:
as what potty mentioned about the quote ytd,
"Shakespeare hates your emo poems"
meaning, being emo isnt cool or anything nice at all!
YES, thou shall be happy come what may.
i am in fact, quite Excited too.
(:

studied with shiyu at the airport just now.
MAN, he bought one big box of chocolates!
and there goes my diet plannn.
spent quite awhile laughing at his class pic!
HAHA.

im so tired!
slept in the bus and my head was slightly resting on the aunty's shoulder who was sitting beside me.
think she got so irritated with me.
OOPS. i was so Embarrassed!


your voice, was the soundtrack of my summer.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to..
CLAUDY, AQIDAH!
and coming soon, LIONEL!

we are all turning legally Eighteen really soon.
:D

a very happy claudy with her presents! :



OH, the sunflower's Not hers!
it was for Aqidah!
haha
but i think both of them have been very Surprised by us
feeling Happy (:



worked till 2:30 Am for this,
pretty satisfied with the outcome (:

--

met potty early!
to search for Aqidah's present (:
discovered this really Pretty shop which sells my WORM KEYCHAIN!
this Superb cute worm in a sweater.
thought of getting it for someone but i was so Broke.
shall return some other time (:
got Aqidah a pretty Big sunflower, think it suits her much (:
celebrated and picnic-ed at the river outside esplanade.
photos are with, claudyyyy.



GYM-ed in the morning today with tofu!
we saw her primary school crush there and she was trying hard to avoid him
so we ended up jogging at the nearby stadium.
it was so Empty
we had much Fun! (:
Stupid tofu even wanted so TAN at the stadium since he hasnt left the gym.
thank goodness she gave in in the end.
i cant really feel the strain in my arms yet but predict that its gonna surface tmr.
went over to her house,
played dressing up!
i cant wait for my A's to end!

i wanna get a brand new mp3.
ive been so lonely on rides home ever since it died on me.
):







what made God take so much care,
to make creation glow?

He could have made it black and white
and we had never known.

my arms feel SORE from yesterday's workout!
i dream of having... ...
ABS!
haha
it is Good to dream.
because it gives you direction in life.
im looking forward to our next visit on sat
(:

been staying back to study recently.
but time flies so FAST.
im not even studying much everyday.
dear time, please slow down!

hall was Freezing-ly COLD today.
i almost turned into an ice cube during lit.
with purple-d fingers and sitting in my big comfy jacket,
i fell asleep for so long.
i seriously Need to stop sleeping during exams!
Need more Motivation, Drive and Discipline too.
Gradys has been a great studying partner.
mm OKAY. i shall do my best so i can motivate and inspire her too!


im so TIRED.
i feel like SLEEPING.
i wanna dream of history, breathe history, think history.

so that tmr, i will be able to write one long essay at least.



good nights!

i went to the gym just now with joby.
was a little nervous because it was my first time!
saw a few really Muscular people over there
which made me went "Woahhhh" Scary!
we did the machines! and jogged round the park outside.
i feel accomplished today(:
cant wait for my next trip!

i just did something Superbly Embarrassing.
was planning for a friend's birthday.
ended up calling and speaking to the wrong person's mother over the phone
for about 5 plus minutes before realising it was the wrong mother!
no wonder she sound irritated.
i feel so Bad on the inside now.
want to return the call to Apologise but they dont wanna pick up my call anymore.
SORRRYY.
how now brown cowww? ):

i seriously need to sit down and STUDY.
my mind has been really distracted lately.
oh God, please help me.
Pride and Prejudice is so Interesting.
i am currently reading at the portion where their love is at the PEAK!
mr darcy and elizabeth's love-- SIGHH.
more mr darcys in this world Please!
--

was just reading chruch's HARVEST TIMES,
Pst Phil Pringle's message on The Holy Spirit and his personal encounter with it.
he was having an altar call in his church and was going to pray for the people when he had an encounter:

"As i walked down the steps to the first row, i saw a person just behind the first row with His back towards me. His arms were outstretched and He was whispering comforting words to the people in the second row that He was facing.
i could see Him cupping around each person as He moved along the row. He reminded of a bird protecting its young with is fathers.
He knew i was looking at Him and He turned. i saw the side of His face. His eyes looked mournful, yet joyful (because of the new salvations). His face gloomed with light. His hair was longish, a blonde-white colour.
He caught my eye and greeted me. He simply said, "Hi." The He was gone-- from my natural sight at least. I stood there smiling to myself, awed.
this experience left me immobile, unaboe to speak or move for some time. i understood then that the Holy Spirit is with us, enabling powerful ministry to people. He is our Helper. He helps us fulfill our calling from God."

i was so Amazed when i read it.
so COOL indeed.
(:

i want to have a personal holy encounter tooo.

last night was really horrible.i curled up in bed and waited for what seemed like eternity for the holy spirit to come and console me. but it didnt come like a rushing wind or enter glamorously.
yet i knew he was there all along just sitting silently and listening to my sobs.i wept like a child. no, more desperately than a child. i was moaning and just pouring things out to Him.the things which happen at home, i am not strong enough to pull them off everyday.i can smile and laugh it off the next day, but overtime, sometimes i feel tired and so stretched in all the different areas. they question my faith, my practices and my beliefs. why is my own family condemning me? i know they love and care and like me they dont show it. how i wish i could take away my pride and express my love more openly. how i wish they would demonstrate their love more affectionately. i have no desire to share these issues with anyone in particular. i dont want others to start judging or forming opinions about this. its my own personal issue. oh Daddy, can you hear me? about this very aspect of my life. this area of concern in particular, can you hear me?

life is just like a movie.
there are snippets of sadness, joyful moments and of course, unforgettable ones too.


ive decided not to try to mould or shape myself to suit or please anyone anymore
but to just simply be myself.


my personal revelation for last week from Daddy:

"seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto You."

i desperately want to Lose weight!
desperately need a breakthrough in my studies
solve some problems socially, at home
and desperately want to make some money.

and among all these things, i really want to have a spiritual breakthrough as well.
to go higher and see deeper.
to be sure not just of my faith but also the faith which Daddy has in me as well.

but above all i know i need to get my priorities right.
and then all these things shall be added, they'll come naturally.


--

my classmates make me feel so nostalgic at times!
im feeling nostalgia for the future when i look back at my JC life cause' i know i'll be feeling that way!
we got our class jackets today.
i feel so HAPPY in it




saw this picture on Mai's blog.
i think its a pretty pic (:


I AM FINALLY GOING TO THE GYM TMR!!!!!

tofu's going with me!
because i am just to shy to step into a public gym all by myself for the first time.

I, shall start small.
shall aim to lose 3kg first!


was chatting with gradys the other day
and a whole lot of discussion,
we concluded that single-hood is the BEST.
yes amen!
(:




my weaknesses are perfected by You.

my sins are gone, i've been set free.
my God my Saviour has ransomed me.

unending love, unfailing grace.


i saw SHAWN __ today!
that guy in "i not stupid".
the blank above is there today because i forgot his surname.
haha.
blackspot and i were in the lib today when he walked over to our table.
turned out that his girlfriend was sitting at the same table as us.
):
but they are both really decent looking, good-student kindof look.
went to foodcourt for lunch and we bump into them again! their tables right next to ours.
and blackspot knows him personally, they're from the same school.
how small can this world get?
i know that he's from Bball!
cause' i saw him playing during our competition season before.
mmm i think he looks Great on tv!
haha okay i better stop.
i do Not crush him.
(:

blackspot is so RETARDED.
we sat opposite each other and everytime we look up and our eyes meet
she or i will pull/make some funny faces at each other.
i think she's the only person i make so Many funny faces to whilst studying.
Retarded Freak! haha (:
but she's so smart, i believe she can get the scholarship that she's aiming for.

studying hasnt been really good for me.
i am Scared.
all these Dates and Events and Facts and Graphs and Definitions are so Hard to remember.
i dont want to let so many people down.
and there are so many to whom i have to prove myself to.
its now or never. i better buck up.

studying in the lib wasnt productive for me today.
it was Freezing cold. and i couldnt think.
left early and blackspot stayed to study.
i hope to study with her againn SOOON.



SORRY.
and i miss you real Badly.
--

OH.
my guitar's new name is 'Little Enoch"
for the very simple reason,
Enoch's walk with God is really amazing.
(:


take me past the outer courts into the holy place.
past the brazen altar,
and see you face to face.

today,
i found a hurt and healed it.
found a need and met it.

but that person was a fellow believer.
im so glad to have such people around me.
though we arent in the same church i still feel that similar connection and vision.
more than willing to carry your mat like when you carried mine.
(:

studied a little with patson after school day.
(:

gradys is starting to cheer up a little
things are starting to look better on her side.
i hope this is here to stay.

im SORRY tofu,
for everything. thanks for being so understanding about
my school, exams and issues about my friends which bother me.
i feel like your my WIFEY and im the HUSBAND.
HA HA HA.
EEEEWWW.
see you Real Soon on sat :D


after a long day,
am feeling emotionally worn out.
but happy on the inside.
(:


good nights.