30th July'06

today seems lyk a Long Long day.
and its an amazing Long day.
if things were under my control, i had choose for today not to end.
but i'm not. its my God who's under control.
that makes it Even better (:
and Much much Cooler indeed.

i was awoke by Junle's msg. reminding me to bring the cake.
apparently it was sent half an hr ago.
thank God for tt msg alright, it woke me up!
and i wonder, wat happened to everyone else Huh!?
those ppl who promised to remind me abt the cake.
now, i noe who can really be trusted. haha
i'm just kidding.
anyhow, the the vibration of my phone created weird dreams as i slept.
cause' i was half conscious. and i guess, things tt were Really happening gt mixed up with my thoughts.
because of that msg..guess wat i dreamnt!?
i dreamnt tt sandy msg me.
and she was lyk, "fiona! wanna go swimming?! we call everyone along!"
den i replied happily in my dreams, stating YES.
but i had to change my mind later, disappointing both me n her cause of my O's.
weird Huh.
and i dreamnt of Another dream.
i dreamnt of Nanxiao!
she was lyk "fiona, i'm so sorry i'm not rrly in the mood for going to church nowadays. i noe you put in alot of effort. i really hope we be Close friends. and i treasure our friendship alot!"
i was Dizzy in my dreams.
haha. seriously, i dreamnt of these.
and when i woke up, i was a lil disappointed.
why!? i want nanxiao's msg!

anyhoww, i managed to get to church safely haha.
my guitar Is so heavy lar.
but thanks to weide who's helping me to re-string it.
i bet he went thru more tough times den me.
Because..someone left my guitar sitting in the boot of a Cab, all by itself.
and totally forgot abt it.
he had to rush and find it back.
anyhow, thanks BRO (:
i appreciate it alot.

deliverence was Cool.
really. at the beginning of it all i was Petrified.
like seriously. i think i held this stunned and shocked look on my face.
cause ppl ard me, starting asking if i was okay.
i wasnt really okay.
i had a shock.
but God's presence was Really Really powerful.
ppl ard me were screaming, they were coughing. and crying.
before i knew it, More were doing so.
i Saw with my own eyes how some struggled.
how much they cried out, desperate. wanting to let go, while they just cant.
which made me really really Hate the devil.
and a part of me in my heart which goes,
"why did Lucifer go against God? why why why. He was so awesome. He used to be so awesome. and look at him now. he's a devil. and he's not even getting anything. he's only hurting himself. and the presious ppl of God"
if you ask me,
Lucifer is a Nice Name.
really.
wat a pity.

Anna. i want to say, thanks so much for asking me so many times.
i noe you'll see this.
actually when you first asked me,
a lil portion wanted to respond alr.
but, you noe. fear, doubts. and all the other stuff tt comes along.
i was thinking in my heart, "if anna asks again, i'll respond"
and you asked. and i told myself No again.
and den again, i told myself "now, if she askes again, i'll definitely go"
and you did. and i told myself no again.
and so the cycle goes.
until everything was almst over.
when ppl were singing praise song. that i felt a Deep sense of regret.
and den, you asked me again.
thats when i responded.
haha.
thank God for a cell leader lyk you.
i love you (:
i really do.
thank you so much for always being so understanding.
and just being who you are.
i'm learningg to love you more and more!

Rev Mike Conel was so near me.
he was just a few steps away. and i saw it. i saw with my own eyes how he touched others. and they just fall, under the presence of God.
it was amazing.
and i really wanted to go forward.
with all my heart, i wanted to so badly.
my heart was screaming for me to MOVE it.
but my feet Didnt listen.
Fear. i noe its fear.
den i thought abt the woman with the issue of blood in the bible.
as my feet hesitated, i thought abt that woman.
she had so much faith so even touch Jesus.
i was asking myself.
wats so scary huh!? its just stepping forward.
but yet it seemed lyk the most difficult thing on earth.
i practically followed behind him in circles.
circleS.
and then after a few circles, he went off.
and thats when i stopped following, and guilt came upon me.
fear came upon me. the feeling of unworthyness came upon me.
the cry of really wanting to draw close to God, but i just dun noe how.
it came upon me.
all at one shot. before i noe it, anna was praying for me.
and someone came along too.
i was crying and shouting and maybe screaming? i dunno.
but i really felt lyk throwing everything out.
all the stupid thoughts. doubts. hurts. family. Fears. everything.
i dunno who's that someone who prayed.
but i rmb her face.
she was so cool. everything she prayed was somehow accurate.
weird huh.
but rrly. i didnt realise how fearful i was until today.
the spirit of darkness, doubts, condemnation, unworthyness, faith.
i guess this is common.
today has really impacted my life.
i'm Glad i belong to the hse of God.
i'm God's child. (:
and it's really amazing to be one.


and so i came home.
after all the amazing issue.
you noe, they say when you're delivered and cleasnsed, things will start coming back.
they'll become worse. and situations will seem Even tougher to handle.
it was Totally true.
just that i didnt expected it to be so quick, so soon.

i really really tried to control what i could.
forgiveness is smth i've learnt to pull thru.
its the tolerance that i've yet to learn.
things that just flow never endingly frm ur mouth makes me wanna shout.
they make me crazy. they make me want to scream back at you.
cause you Never understood me.
and everytime i Try to make you understand. it never works.
and so you just keep going on and on, thinking you totally get it.
when actually in fact, you dun at all.
things that flow out from ur mouth makes me want to cry at times.
because you dun noe wat you're saying.
i shld have brough you along today.
but den again, i really wonder if it wld actually helped.
you noe what i learnt today?
i learnt tt curses are a way thru which devils move.
and it shook me real hard on my inside.
cause you're the forst to appear in my mind.
if thats not enough. you resort to violence too.
i've learnt to be strong. really. but i crumble at times too.
i'm still a human after all. how perfect do you want be to be. things lyk this are hard to ignore.
and he's still young.
do you actually expect him to go thru what i probably have?
well, i wont let that happen. cause i'm gonna protect him.
i dont hate you. though soemtimes, i really really cant seem to control my own tongue back at you.
i want to love you.
i want to see you drawing back to God one day, tearing in His presence.
and i want to Hug you in God's presence.
i cant even rmb when was the last time i actually hugged you.
dad, i dont hate you. really. i forgive and i forget.
please dont make me sad anymore.