28th Sep'06

God opened my eyes today, within my heart
actually it was ytd, but most of me chose to ignore it
and as i was sitting in the hall, down at my own corner, doing some maths, He came ino my heart once again
true, so many times, we're disppointed with so many things in life
so much that we dont know whether to trust or doubt anymore
ppl always tell me, trust trust, trust
yea, i know i know i know
but its because i take the step of faith to really let go and believe in Him,
thats why when things arent pleasant this time, i Reallyreally do qns
i trusted and this is it?
thats all i get after trying and believing and mybe even praying and testifying and everything?
i have to admit that so many thoughts ran thru my mind when i see my results
its not just the results alone, but the process of it
and the ppl ard me, my own life. i really do wonder if i'm a fool at times
why is it that ppl whom i know of choose to put studies before God, they neglect the great one frm above
and yet at the end of it all, God allowed them to do well n succeed
yea, i know this is temporal happiness.
but still, i wld love to have this kindof happiness as well
why does it seem lyk the 'bad' ppl get all the good stuff all the time
and why is it that its so easy to encourage ppl, to spur them on
yet when i myself am down, it seems lyk nth much can actually help
it seems lyk its easy to help others to look on the bright side
but when it comes to myself its all so tough
well, actually i know the answer of it all
okay, maybe not
but i know that God really does love me and He really Does care for me
the rush of qns just come all the time.
why is it that everytime i fall, i promised not to ever qns and ask God again
yet i cant seem to do it?
just why leh, why ME

and back to where i was, sitting in the hall..
the one from above just went something lyk this,
"what about the good times? do you only remember the bad ones?"
and i thought a little,
indeed God Is very faithful to me
like the time he touched my heart as i stood in the train, heading for service
and like the many times when i was fearful and cried out to Him,
He didnt just threw me aside, instead, He embraced me and made everything go fine
just everything, indeed
and my Maths. i had an A1 for it
i was so blinded by the ugly side of everything that i failed to see the bright side of life
it really Is a miracle to be getting a One for maths, i thought i screwd it up
if this is not enough,
He answered a couple of my personal prayers and things changed
a particular friendship seems lyk its so pleasant and possible now
and just everything is beautiful indeed
my God helped me to forget the unwanted stuff
and He replaced redundant hopes n desires with much more Beautiful ones
--

so amazing huh?
(: Yea

and through it all, i choose to believe once again
and fight
cause everybody's fighting with me!
and i'm not the only one


theres this song which goes,

when you feel like no one understands,
someone loves you,
even when you dont think so
dont you know?
you've got me and Jesus.
by your side,
through the fight,
you will never be alone,
on your own,
you've got me and Jesus.


to some special people out there, i toldcha i wanna be ur cheerleader!
and you said you wanna be mine too
(:
i guess, we still have each other and most importantly,
Jesus
so the chapter ends for now,
and the studying begins once again
just wait and see






you're the author of creation

27th Sep'06

i think we all need to come before God
just something, somehow to make things better
the toughest moment is when you're down and everyone ard you is too
thats the hardest moment to find the right words to say to try to feel the right way
and the most horrible feeling is when you realy Did study and no one believes you
seriously, okay maybe i didnt study or slogged lyk crazy
but i placed double efforts on IT. and i placed my hopes on it
and the outcome is worst den before. its just so so ugly to take in
ppl tell me to believe. but its basically because i believed thats why its so sad now!
who Will believe that i study. i bet she thinks tt i dun give a damn. but i tried so hard lar
God, God, God i know you still love me
i love you too

25th Sep'06

ELANA tan! (:
thankyou for that beautiful Pink rose
you rrly got it for me!

that was so Sweet of You! (:
thanks Crush!
--

my results arent pleasant at all
and we've all been talking abt our results, JC life, studies and everything thats related in to that topic that i'm starting to get tired of that subject
i've got one for my maths
but other den that, all's so crapped
all the studying of chemistry produced a D7 in the end
i dunno why!
neither do i know wat actually went wrong
many qns and thoughts were running thru my head
sometimes i rrly wonder, whats good and wats not?

and one thing which i found out today was that
crying is a Good form of releasing ur inner feelings
No wonder everyone crys
no wonder

i guess the most difficult thing now
is to gather up all our inner feelings and get all charged up
as i looked into so many ppl's eyes today
i really wonder, how are we gona do this?
how are we gona pull through this together, all fine?
elana, angeline, rachel, liyun, shrooms, jue, gradys and sososo many more
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):
okay, thats enough
no point dwelling on those unplesant stuff yea?

for now, we just have to keep going on and on and on





will you answer all my doubts for me

24th Sep'06

hey world, today started off really great (:
i was in the train, on my way to church
and i was listening to christian songs, playing on my mp3
before i knew it, i was soaking in God's presence
the feeling was so Strong all of a sudden that i started tearing
i was controlling them as much as i could cause there was just so many ppl ard me

and i heard the one frm above speaking right into my heart, at tt moment
it went smth lyk this,
"hey my child, here we go again. here i am speaking to you once again, just lyk the last time i spoke to you. whats all these about? come on, its not lyk you dunno that I will never fail you.
its not lyk you dunno I can wash your sins, have you forgotten tt I'm your merciful Abba Father? whatever happened to 'standing strong' no matter what happens? whatever happen to the amount of trust you used to have in me? oh why dun you just trust in me that I can make you perfect. in my eyes, you're beautiful. Very beautiful indeed. if you will only believe "
-
and then i saw smth as my eyes remained shut
i saw myself kneeling before the Lord, but my head was bowed low
i felt uncleaned within. unworthy to face my saviour, the one who died on the cross for me, the one who loved me for who i am
but He stretched out His loving hands towards my face and lifted my face as i stayed, kneeling before Him
and in His eyes, i was perfect.
right at that moment, i was flawless and most of all, Beautiful.
there wasnt a single blemish on my face, neither was there anymore unpleasant feeling in my heart
the heaviness disappeared and
everything was just plain perfect and pleasant


Man. it was really amazing.
just the day before, sarah told me abt her encounter with her handphone and stuff
and i was thinking,
if i really needed stuff and i cant afford it, why not just pray and ask God for it
and leave it to Him to provide?
its gona be a challenge to do so, and lets see how's the mighty one gona work when He decides to move (:
--

theres so many things tt i wanna get
i want a new Bible!
i want to start afresh, and anew

i started cleaning my whole room ytd, and am still half done
haha
wow, i didnt know i owned about 4 written diaries before
but they all fill less than half a book
no wonder, it never works out haha
and i saw so many alr-forgotten neoprints
they bring back all those happy memories which make me miss those times so much
arh! growing is a happy and sad process

--

we're gona collect the rest of our results tmr
its quite expected wat the outcome will be, what the scene will be lyk
for now, lets just not think about it
and have a happy night tonight!
(:





"by the roses of spring, by maidhood, honour, truth and everything; i love thee"!

24th Sep '06









just a few words,
Thank God for these Amazing People (:

23rd Sep'06

hey world,
ytd they gave out the results of EL prelims
it was so not good
the atmosphere and all was so unpleasant
ppl were crying, sad, complaining
it seemed lyk the only pleasant thing to take in were smiles n laughters
i wonder wats it gona be lyk on the actual day of O' level results
i had a C5 for english
hrm we need a miracle down here

ytd at east coast with cell was rather fun
but too bad we only bummed into amelia n gradys at the end of everything
it wasnt easy finding them at first cause we're all moving ard
part of me wanted to stay and join them
cause everyone's been having so much problems lately,
the main reason for going was to Play n Enjoy and forget everything else
but cell group is cell group and tt company is great too (:
i feel lyk going to East coast with grad and maybe a few othrs again, and we'll play till everything's forgotten

--

i have a friend whom i love Alot
but lately, i feel lyk i'm loving her less n less everyday
its brianwashing you see
i still love you alot, and i reallyreally do
just tt sometimes, i duno wat i shld do
hrm, you still love me do you?
i pray tt God will keep this friendship going
it means alot to me

--

studying will ressume on sunday!
we have..abt 4 weeks left, its time to fight the battle and win the race


because of the one above,
everything will be filled with love

i know that everything will be beautiful once again soon
(:





everybody scream your heart out

20th Sep'06

hey world, i spent approximately 12 hours of my day down at Audrey's hse today
tgt with hazel
we watched old shows lyk 'Lion King' and "i not stupid 2'
piano n guitar were inlcuded too (:
haha and aud's bro was seeking attention, somehow he reminded me of my own brother
after lazing ard lyk some useless bums in the living room,
we went up to her room and we played..Soccer!
haha but with a smaller ball
and somehow everyone ended up screaming, petrified when we talked abt cabbies n women in Red, with Long hair
haha
(: thats a smile for the two of you


--

of course, if you ask me, theres bound to be some unpleasant stuff as well
why not?
just abt a few hrs ago, i bummed into an old friend
soemone whom i chose to ignore the issue abt and place it on one side of my head
someone who was close to me, for a period of time
someone whom was of a diff kindof company, a diff kindof influence
she practically belonged to a whole diff world
its amazing how we clicked
i am aware of how things hav come to this stage
she didnt even speak to me, she just smiled
but when i rang her up just now, she sounded all too eager to hang up on me
i suppose she's still angry
i must admit that i've neglected her in some areas
priorities in my life have made me unavailable at times
things lyk my own sch life, studies, sch mates, family, church
esp church, maybe its the fact tt she abhors it tt made her put all the blame on my church
and i made the stupidest mistake of all
to forget totally abt her birthday
that made her feel so off in my life amongst my busy schedule and i guess it blew it off
its clear for me to see that she hasnt gotten over it
but its been a few mths alr
how was i to be able to cope with so many issues
it wasnt easy esp when i cldnt see her conveniently
not in church, not in sch, not anywhere near my hse
not even in my dreams, all that exist is the memories we share 6 years ago, down at a daycare centre
i wonder how she's feeling. to put it on an ugly term, betrayed?
maybe she cant rrly trust me to be there for her n share her sorrows, double her joy anymore
while i managed to be the cheer leader of many ppl ard me,
my promises of being there for her at times, failed
but at times, its really tiring to be the cheer leader all the time
it had feel nice that once in a while, someone Will be there cheering for me as i run my own race in life
someone strong whom i can fall against and i can lean on
it feels lyk i've totally lost my grip on smth big.
-

mayb its cause of this issue tt i'm starting to feel tt i'm allowing another diff friendship to fall
cause this time round, when a crisis striked,
i played a lil role in the crisis and i wasnt able to sustain the role, of being the strong and stable one, leading to the open path
its the kindof fear you get esp when in a relationship, you feel lyk you're mostly the one giving
it makes you worry lyk crap and think lyk crazy if everything's gona fall apart or not when you feel tired urself
because the main factor of everything being in place is gone
sometimes it just feels lyk crap, and it reallyreally does
no one wanted it to end up lyk this, who would?
all i need is God to be in my life all the time to be the one behind everything, that way everything will go just perfectly fine
God has been faithfully in my life all this while,
but have i been faithful to Him too?
its so hard to confidently say yes that, i can only hope tt i'm better off
its the feeling of being tired, yet not wanting to let go. wanting to give a lil bit more and at the same time, wanting to noe tt sometimes you rrly helped and are treasured. and wanting to noe that you're more den just a service which provides.
-

and another thing, which i rrly dun feel lyk talking about
sometimes i really do wonder, how is it that amazing ppl managed to mean wat they say all the time?
what is it tt keeps their faith going on and on non-stop
sure, i've told God before, "if its your will, it will come to pass. and i place my turst in you, i only want to follow your ways. i dun want to give in to my own wills and allow hurt to come in"
but just how much do i mean what i say?
its when the real thing hits that makes you realise how hard it actually is.
i really Long to be lyk them too.
see those, strong n faithful stable ones, who arent swayed easily? who doesnt want to be lyk them?
i Long to be just half as good as them
--

but then again,
"all things work for good to those who love Him"
and i really do believe in it
to say that you have no worries wld be lying
i suppose, its only normal for me to vent some of my feelings every once in awhile
i'm only human
and all will be fine, cause i still believe in Miracles
let the good cover up the bad,
and let the bad dissolve in the good, shall we?

--

looking at the brighter side of life
the exams have come to an end!
its gona be a week of enjoyment (;
thank you father for every single blessing there is in my life
its when things are not going well that makes every little blessing shine even brighter






Heaven knows that i need You here with me

19th Sep'06

hey HANSHENG, happy birthday to you (:
i pray that God's blessings will be flowing abundantly in your life!
happy sweet Sixteen (:

--

i'm left with Only Chinese paper 2 tmr
praise God for that (:
i've estimated my L1R5 and i'm most likely gona get ard 18
i hope it wont be any higher
and oh Please, if its possible let it be lower than 16 pleasee?
arh, lets not talk abt studies shall we?


i went to watch 'little man' today!
we Jean, sihui n soon li (:
it wasnt tt nice actually but its hilarious enough to keep the laughter coming
the whole cinema was rather empty but it was all good
esp because of the company!
the good old pri 5 n 6 days still have a Huge place in my heart
and it will always be the same.
before the movie we went to pastamania
and gosh, the food there was argh
okay, its not their fault, its our fault for making the wrong decision
the smell of milk powder made me us feel lyk vomitting haha
definitely not appealing
anyhow, the library at bishan is quite nice (:

--

for the joy of the Lord is our strength
i wish i can say this freely and easily without having myself to confess it
but life's not a bed of roses isnt it?
and even if it is, roses do have thorns
well, thats thinking logically
and maybe perhaps its a form of brainwashing oneself too
but i'm okay (:

i'm not too sure myself
why is it that i'm affected when i chose not to dig it deep in the first place
but anyhow,
whats a little thing of the heart and a little of the emotions?
it will all be over soon i hope





only you can fill me now

17th Sep'06

sings, "..i just called..to say..i Love you! "

(:
i just happy, just happy for some reason i dunno why
ever since friday, its been 'holiday'!
and i havent touched anything since
we estimated wat we wld get for prelims today
19 arh, i Hope i'll get below tt
after prelims, i'll work double hard
i promise!
i promised so many ppl, i'm gona keep my word (:

---

elana gave me smth ytd! thankyou so much (:
love you love you, love you too!
and sandy wong gave me smth today!
love you love you, love you too!
haha
saying Love you to my female friends is Easy!
cause its comfortable saying it, and most of all, you guys are just plain,
lovable (:

and anna,
i jus wana tell you that you're rrly one awesome person
i never told you this, but i think you're amazing
cause you're only a yr older most of us and you hav ur own studies n problems too
but you never fail to appear so strong and..stable!
and you're always hanging on o matter wat happens
i think God is so good to us because of someone lyk you
thank you so (:

--

okay, heres some stuff that happened recently,
1. i've been watching 'full house' lately, yes i'm a little slow but its rrly Nice!
if you havent watch it, Please dont watch it haha. its addictive. its Bad.
i cant seem to tear my eyes away frm it until i finish the whole thing
2. i drank 2 glasses of fruit juice and i think the fruits were rrly powerful, cause
because of those two glasses, i had diarrhoea last night
3. pianoo! elana is pro at piano (: i salute you. i wana learn too!
4. i cant wait for wednesday (:



i'm one happy person
but i miss a female friend who seems to have disappeared somehow
you're not the same anymore
i wonder if its because i was a lil too harsh the other time?
but someone's got to tell you wats right n wats not
and someone's got to give you a sign to tell you wake up to reality
its hilarious the way i worry n fret over our friendship
maybe i'm too sensitive at times
but, Rah. dun you at least care?!
maybe you're just busy now,
i hope so, i hope it'll be back to normal soon


anyhow, i'm still happy.
its just a small portion of it all
(:
thankyou ppl for making me feel so loved.
and i just wanna say too,
SHROOMs-though you wont see this, cause i refused to give you my url, haha thankyou for being so patient with me! and teaching me, drilling me with all the study facts. discipling me non-stop. and thankyou for giving me a chance..to be used by God (:
SOON LI-you're one of the best of the best. was the best and is still the best. is guess things may revolve and things may change. but at the end of it all, its still the same! you're my burping competitor and it'll be the same now and forever (: love you! i wonder if i can still piggy back you? haha





all's good and well.
Lord i love you so much, love you so much

13th Sep'06

yo world (:
the past few papers have been alrighttt
its not tt they're superb easy or Superb tough
but, i refuse to think more abt it
after all the thoughts, i still think..
Come wat may!
i've done wat i can.
and the rest, i shall just leave it to the one frm above to decide for me
i just rrly hope tt i can take the outcome later on

whats left!
chem
A maths paper 2
physics
E maths paper 2
chinese

praise God that i did my lit alright,
praise God that A maths was attemptable,
praise God that geo wasnt tt bad afterall

and the list goes on! (:
i've been feeling that everyday indeed, is becoming more n more beautiful
perhaps its because i've finally found that small little missing which i dun rrly noe wat it is in actual fact
anyHow,
He directed me to this verse ytd
and its really beautiful indeed :

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are the called according to His purpose"
-Romans 8:28

indeed, all things work for good to those who love my almighty God (:
because i know it and i believe in it
i cant say that things are pleasantly smooth
in fact, they arent really what we expect them to be
but life's not just about the things on this earth
my God made me see beyond everything,
just everything!

--


i am currently using my bro's phone
at least its cooler than my old one
haha, the old one's spoilt

i had an Awesome dream last night(:
and i'm not saying it
someone once told me that if you want dreams to come true,
you shld tell anyone abt it
and so, i'm not telling!
hopefully, please please please come true
(:



i think i've placed a one too many (: alr
but i really do feel light and you can say, carefree on the inside
because..
she's talking to me just lyk before alr
and i am more than glad that things are close to perfect
and i look forward to after the exams
though it means being nearer to the big O's
oh man,
i Cant Wait!





present mirth hath present laughter, but whats to come is still unsure

8th sep'06

i had a nightmare last night!
what the crap.
i dreamnt that rachel n i had a Major arguement and everything ended just lyk that
it was so sad ): i almst cried in my dreams
and i dunno why, but cell grp was forming this politics grp during our exams period
and i didnt want to join cause of studies
but everyone threatened to kick me out if i refused
and i dreamnt i was talking to this someone on the phone when the connection was cut off
when i woke up,
i found myself holding my hp to my ear with no one on the line
Haha, rather ridiculous, i must say


i CANT find my pure lit book
someone please just pray for me
i dunno how i am i gonna study for it





santa is my best friend! because he has all the gifts (:

7th Sep'06

there are only two things to worry about:
either you are well or you are sick
if you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about;
either you will get well, or you will die
if you get well, there is nothing to worry about
if you die, there are only two tings to worry about
either you will go to heaven or hell
if you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about
but if you go to hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with friends,
you wont have time to worry

---


except the last part, i kindof agree with that
why worry!?
soon it'll all be over and we'll be seen rejoicing (:






life is good, but eternal life is better

5th Sep'06

The Difference


i got up early one morning
and rushed right into the day;
i had so much to accomplish
that i didnt have time to pray.
problems just tumbled about me,
and heavier came each task,
"why doesnt God help me?"
i wondered,
He answered, "you didnt ask".

i wanted to see joy and beauty,
but the day toiled on grey and bleak,
i wondered why God didnt show me,
He said, "you didnt seek".
i tried to come into God's presence;
i used all my keys at the lock,
God gently and lovingly chided,
"my child, you didnt knock".

i woke up early this morning,
and paused before entering the day;
i had so much to accomplish
that i had to take time to pray.




school was quite redundant today
we did chem prac and i Bleached my shirt on accident, while spilling some chemical on my shirt
): its Supposed to be blue and now its red
four Big red spots on the front of my shirt made prac so horrible today
the blues jus keep pouring in
i think i've said this a million n one times alr,
but i dun wanna graduation
oh well, i think thats life

i doubt i'll be coming in here any sooner,
so to ELANA TAN (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVE for today
and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY for tmr!
((:






one day, you'll noe what i mean

4th Sep'06

hey world,
i studied with gradys today (:
the library has become my second home!

everyone's mourning the death of steve irwin,
well, i mourn too
i used to be so amazed by the way he handles those reptiles
but at the same time, my heart goes out to the stingray which caused his death
i think its probably feeling so guilty right now
imagine the thousands n millions of ppl cursing it
--


for a moment, i felt lyk i was used.
but den again, on the bright side of things, it doenst matter anymore.



shakespearean's love is so cool (:



lets love like we've never loved before

3rd Sep'06

hey world,
yes, about the topic on studying..
my plans for burning mid-night oil have gone all wrong so far
i always end up falling asleep
lets strive for over 50 hrs a week starting frm today
i dun believe i cant stay awake the whole night
if others can, why cant i?
angel was dozing off during sevice today
haha wrong choice on staying up late last night

--

just a couple of days ago, i received news that my classmate's dad passed away
and abt a week ago, i was told tt my Godma has to go for kidney dialysis
about two weeks ago, mum told me that my dad's friend Is Still suffering frm Aids, half alive
yes, all these info came within a short period of time
it seems lyk everyone's dying or suffering or death is approaching!
is it just coincidental or wat
everything has to do with death
and i have a friend,
who recently just inhabited some eating disorder
she practically starved herself but she's Not fat! skinnier than meee

i find it especially tough to open this golden mouth of mine, just to speak or tell adults abt Jesus Christ
if i had opened this mouth of mine, she probably wldnt be suffering now
it makes us feel terrible, filled with guilt
God, we neeed the courage

-

elana's laughter makes me laugh (:
and sandy, are you seeing this?
it feels lyk its been so long since we last hanged out, i dunno why!
i hope really everything will be fine after the exams

--

i was talking to rachel the other day,
wat happens if God approves of homosexuality?
she said by now, she wld have gone with this good pal of hers cause her friend isnt straight
but she's Awesome and superb sweet
even i agree that she wld have gone along with her
and den she asked, "what abt you?"
i thought and i realised, i wld have gone along with this other bung friend of mine too
haha
but then i thought again and i realised tt if homosexuality was approved by God,
i wouldnt even go with a bung,
i Would have been the bung instead
HAHA
relaxxx, i'm Straight and i have no thoughts of becoming a guy
but seriously, i think if the one frm above approves,
many things will not be wat they are now
to be honest, i supposed jue, althea, shrooms and rachel plus me wld have been unstraight ppl by now
haha, its rather funny when you think of it
will, its just cheap fun thinking of things lyk tt
esp when you realise the outcome
anyhow,
since God says no. we say no too (:
cause its so not right n Abnormal.

-

the past few days have been good honeymoon time for my parents
without the presence of my brother
and studying is more effective at hme
i sure hope their relationship is getting Sweeter n sweeter
but please, dun let it be shown in frnt of me
i cant take all that mushiness
i wonder what my bro's doing,
that lucky kid's probably eating some delicious italian pasta right now
he better bring some back for me!


anyhow,
we're gonna be some kiasu nerds and wait outside the library before it opens tmr
gradys, me and maybe rachel
because everyone's studying nowdays and everyone's fighting for the tables
and being desperate means you have to fight too


lets get it started (:




i think of you night and day, and you make my heart swayy