12th Aug'06

hey world,
it was the release of O' level Chinese results ytd.
you shld have just see wat was happening in sch manz.
the whole world practically went nuts.
the moment tt announcement was made, everyone started screaming and jumping lyk some Morons. haha
it was funny actually, just watching that scene alone.
is it the same in all the other schools or is it just ours?
either way, it still appeared hilarious, though i was petrified on the inside.
it wasnt tt bad, those screamings n jumpings make me feel even worse lar! it made me more scared.
and the weather just changed all of a sudden.
i was wondering if it was a msg frm God or smth.
the moment tt announcement was made, there was thunder and rain started pouring.
my gosh, it sounds so dramatic yet true.
wat an atmosphere to go with.

maybe its a girl issue.
before i knew it, so many ppl ard me were crying
i didnt rrly noe how to react when i saw mine.
i noe i dont deserve to cry. and i wont let myself cry over smth lyk results.
it seems rather dumb actually.
because, all those sleeping n slacking in class, i have only myself to blame. and i cant say tt i've put in my ultra best, as compared to some who mugged lyk crazy.

it all went alright until elana came into my class and she gave me a hug.
she was laughing, but i cld still see the bitterness behind her eyes.
and thats when those tears came.
i know, its so dumb lar. here i am telling others to be strong, and everything.
and there i am, myself, doubting God over n over again.
i'm not saying that He shld reward me with smth Big.
but when i look at the ppl ard me,
some dun even deserve wat they get, why are they getting all these?
why does it seem lyk Nth pays off for me?
and does God noe our bitterness indeed?
elana struggles so much, i noe she doubts herself so often.
even when her art is Superb, even when things seem to be smooth.
i realise that strong ppl always meet with the obstacles, and weak ppl usually get better and better.
and den the weak becomes strong.
and the strong becomes weak. and the strong always seem to be going thru smth big. and big and big and big. sometimes i just wish i'm just an ordinary kid. doing ordinary stuff. doing ordinary things. and let others encourage me. Let others care for me. let others pull me through.
let others worry for me, let others think n pray for me.
den maybe, i'd be all so strong n well now.

i'm not blaming the one above. i Know that God lets all things happen for a reason n everything.
and i Know that He cares. its not lyk i dunno all these.
these, all things i've always been telling ppl ard me.
but i guess, i need some time to let it seep into my brain.
and into my soul too.
you've seen how i fallen since the mid-years n nth actually seems to be getting better.
Where and How am i gonna get stronger?
i want to be stronger and i hope to be.
but circumstances tell me its gona be difficult.
when i went back to class, someone wrote the verse abt God making us the head n not the tail.
indeed, i noe the one above Loves me alot. its not lyk i've never seen anything Great done by Him.
but, why am i in this class when i dun even deserve to be in here?
to put me in the best and let me be the last? to be the fool out of the best?
it feels lyk Crap.
show me smth, just show me smth.
i noe i qns a Lot. but, i can honestly say that they dun deserve it. not more than i do. and just look at some, just look at them. they place studies before You. they dont know wats their Real priority in life. and yet everything seems to be going so smooth?
my life seems so be a contrast with theirs.
somebody just tell me if i'm going after the right thing.

we had O' level EL oral after sch.
the bitterness was slowly fading, i hope i do well for that oral.
i really hope i do.

i met an angel in school today.
i never knew her as someone so Nice and Sweet.
we were walking out of sch when i saw my chinese teacher.
i practically ran towards her, shouting her name.
and she turned and said smth lyk this in chinese," hui lin, ni shi zhe me le?" (my results)
and i was lyk, "wo bu zhi dao, wo bu zhi dao. wo ying gai cong kao mah?"
and she went, "Yao. ying hui wo zhi dao ni xing de. zhui sao A2, ni zhi shi lan duo er yi"
and before i knew it, she was holding my hands n looking into my eyes! telling me, that she'll encourage me and help me.
my gosh, my heart melted on the inside. that was seriously the best thing i've ever heard ytd.
she just seemed so motherly all of a sudeen, i almost Hugged her on the spot.
i had to stop myself from doing so.
i was lyk asking her,"ru guo wo zuo zuo wen, ni ke yi bang wo gai mah?"
and she went,"dang ran, zhi yao ni jiao, wo yi ding hui gai de. wo hui gu li ni de"
i was so touched. this rrly reminded me of my late compo the other time.
i was lyk one Month late, yet she didnt scold or anything.
all she said was, "wo deng ni de zuo wen, zhi yao ni jiao, wo ying ding hui gai"
Why is she so NICE!? she makes me wanto Hug her and cry,"lao shi!! zhi you ni liao jie wo!"
Before i leave the walls of PL and graduate, i'll defienitly take Pictures of her n me. and maybe Laminate them n place them Big Big on my room wall.
she's really amazing.
all those ppl walked first without waiting for me when my lao shi and i were talking!
and they didnt rrly buy it when i told her she's so amazing.
she really iss. oh man, someone tell me why is she so NICEE!?
i pray that she'll be happy always! (: she touched my heart ytd.


i supposed, it isnt the end yet. it isnt time to give up or anything.
especially not when others have Hopes n confidence in you.




you were a fantasy which i dream wld become true. was i one too?