20th Sep'06

hey world, i spent approximately 12 hours of my day down at Audrey's hse today
tgt with hazel
we watched old shows lyk 'Lion King' and "i not stupid 2'
piano n guitar were inlcuded too (:
haha and aud's bro was seeking attention, somehow he reminded me of my own brother
after lazing ard lyk some useless bums in the living room,
we went up to her room and we played..Soccer!
haha but with a smaller ball
and somehow everyone ended up screaming, petrified when we talked abt cabbies n women in Red, with Long hair
haha
(: thats a smile for the two of you


--

of course, if you ask me, theres bound to be some unpleasant stuff as well
why not?
just abt a few hrs ago, i bummed into an old friend
soemone whom i chose to ignore the issue abt and place it on one side of my head
someone who was close to me, for a period of time
someone whom was of a diff kindof company, a diff kindof influence
she practically belonged to a whole diff world
its amazing how we clicked
i am aware of how things hav come to this stage
she didnt even speak to me, she just smiled
but when i rang her up just now, she sounded all too eager to hang up on me
i suppose she's still angry
i must admit that i've neglected her in some areas
priorities in my life have made me unavailable at times
things lyk my own sch life, studies, sch mates, family, church
esp church, maybe its the fact tt she abhors it tt made her put all the blame on my church
and i made the stupidest mistake of all
to forget totally abt her birthday
that made her feel so off in my life amongst my busy schedule and i guess it blew it off
its clear for me to see that she hasnt gotten over it
but its been a few mths alr
how was i to be able to cope with so many issues
it wasnt easy esp when i cldnt see her conveniently
not in church, not in sch, not anywhere near my hse
not even in my dreams, all that exist is the memories we share 6 years ago, down at a daycare centre
i wonder how she's feeling. to put it on an ugly term, betrayed?
maybe she cant rrly trust me to be there for her n share her sorrows, double her joy anymore
while i managed to be the cheer leader of many ppl ard me,
my promises of being there for her at times, failed
but at times, its really tiring to be the cheer leader all the time
it had feel nice that once in a while, someone Will be there cheering for me as i run my own race in life
someone strong whom i can fall against and i can lean on
it feels lyk i've totally lost my grip on smth big.
-

mayb its cause of this issue tt i'm starting to feel tt i'm allowing another diff friendship to fall
cause this time round, when a crisis striked,
i played a lil role in the crisis and i wasnt able to sustain the role, of being the strong and stable one, leading to the open path
its the kindof fear you get esp when in a relationship, you feel lyk you're mostly the one giving
it makes you worry lyk crap and think lyk crazy if everything's gona fall apart or not when you feel tired urself
because the main factor of everything being in place is gone
sometimes it just feels lyk crap, and it reallyreally does
no one wanted it to end up lyk this, who would?
all i need is God to be in my life all the time to be the one behind everything, that way everything will go just perfectly fine
God has been faithfully in my life all this while,
but have i been faithful to Him too?
its so hard to confidently say yes that, i can only hope tt i'm better off
its the feeling of being tired, yet not wanting to let go. wanting to give a lil bit more and at the same time, wanting to noe tt sometimes you rrly helped and are treasured. and wanting to noe that you're more den just a service which provides.
-

and another thing, which i rrly dun feel lyk talking about
sometimes i really do wonder, how is it that amazing ppl managed to mean wat they say all the time?
what is it tt keeps their faith going on and on non-stop
sure, i've told God before, "if its your will, it will come to pass. and i place my turst in you, i only want to follow your ways. i dun want to give in to my own wills and allow hurt to come in"
but just how much do i mean what i say?
its when the real thing hits that makes you realise how hard it actually is.
i really Long to be lyk them too.
see those, strong n faithful stable ones, who arent swayed easily? who doesnt want to be lyk them?
i Long to be just half as good as them
--

but then again,
"all things work for good to those who love Him"
and i really do believe in it
to say that you have no worries wld be lying
i suppose, its only normal for me to vent some of my feelings every once in awhile
i'm only human
and all will be fine, cause i still believe in Miracles
let the good cover up the bad,
and let the bad dissolve in the good, shall we?

--

looking at the brighter side of life
the exams have come to an end!
its gona be a week of enjoyment (;
thank you father for every single blessing there is in my life
its when things are not going well that makes every little blessing shine even brighter






Heaven knows that i need You here with me