"God did not promise days without pain; laughter without sorrow; sun without rain - But He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

i cant help but allow these thoughts to invade at times.
what if i dont make it to uni?
because i know that im really not prepared for it.
and the thought of having one more year to get all my basics and foundations and other study facts right is rather appealing.
so that i can sit for the papers feeling secured and not like im just trying to smoke through it.
people think that im studying superb hard.
but ive wasted so much time stoning or having my mind distracted by other things.
sometimes i wonder if working hard now will even pay off?
what if i work hard and i still cant make it in the end.
i'll be like sucha retarded fool.
who stares at my history notes for hours and hours and yet cant understand anything.

but i know and i know that Daddy wants to make me the head and not the tail,
above and not beneath.
i know that He has much faith in me.
its whether i have that same amount of faith in Him.
i really want to trust and claim on these promises, i mean, who doesnt?
but sometimes is scary.
its scary, if whatever you are hoping and trusting and believing in doesnt happen in the end
and the only thing left is disappointment.
i Hate disappointment.
it makes me feel vulnerable and wary to trust again.
but then i asked myself,
how much does God love me?
enough to die on the cross and set me free.
with nail-pierced palms and bended knees, he could have saved himself but he chose to set me free.
and even if i was the only one here on earth, Daddy says he'll still do the same.
i paused, the image came into my mind and i thought of the many times i've felt Him personally and all the failures and wrongs that i've done.

what made God take so much care to make creation glow?
He could have made it black and white and we had never known.

ive never done anything to deserve these.
ive never done anything to deserve my family, my friends, my cell, even this school and particular class that im in.
yet when i start to count my blessings, they are all bestowed unto me.
this is me, He carved my life and Coloured it.

and then i thought about the period when i was having my O's.
how He directed me into SRJC.
i was furious at Him at first for having me to land here. frustrated even.
why place me in the top class for Four consecutive years in secondary school and have me land in SR, a not really good JC?
and everyone in my sec class knew i was a christian, knew i was actively involve in church.
i was Mad at God.
for making me seem like a fool, a stupid student who cant score well and probably just managed to stay in the best class for 4 years through luck.
Mad at God because i want able to shine for Him.
after landing in SR,
my teachers werent proud of me, my peers expected it. i had no extraordinary success to prove to them how Big my God can be.
but as i started to humble my own heart,
i realised that i was here in SR for a reason.
surely, i know He does wants to make me the head and not the tail and why im in this particular jc, He has a reason for it.
i came to realise that,
i must Never despise what God can do for me.
i must Never despise the days of small beginnings again.
even God himself despise it, why was i looking down at whatever little bit i have?
Never underestimate what He can do from what i have to offer.
i know it isnt solely just my works only,
but i know ive made an impact in their lives.
W, D, D, G. such lives, even one soul alone is Very Precious indeed.
thank you Jesus, for using me.

and as we approach A's,
im Scared out of my wits.
but i know that our thoughts frame our world.
and if we cant even believe in ourselves, who will?
oh God,
im just gonna lift this exams into your hands and work with whatever time i have left.
i dont want to take any other path but yours alone.
im not gonna admit defeat,
but just surrendering my future into Your hands.
this is my life, take it.
and mould it the way only You can.

--

service on saturday was Great (:
i like my Pastor ALOT.
and am proud to be a cityharvester(:
tofu was having a great time too, i hope.
haha but i saw that she was happy (:
am really Inspired to make an impact in the lives of Many people, even if its all not recognised.
ive decided!
im gonna re-join a ministry, since my current is on hold. have to wait for one year before the next class begins.
probably gonna join a ministry which does community services,
or perhaps try JAMS church again to help the mentally disabled.
i wanna spread as much love as i can.
of course,
i need to start learning how to love more again.
it isnt easy to love,
especially the inconsiderate, the uncouth, the selfish.
i need more love!

went to the airport after that.
ATE!
and studied overnight.
thanks TOFU for accompanying me all the way.
much appreciated(:
the airport's Beautiful during graveyard hours.
nobody! (:
but all i could think of was sleep.
studying overnight isnt a good idea, unless coffee works on you.
apparently is doesnt for me and i wasted hours of sleep.
not a very wise decision!

hello guitar (:
long time no play.
studying soon!

i am craving for
DIM SUM.
):